I don’t know if it’s the time of year or the current circumstances of my life…but once again I have been feeling down.  Just waiting for the cloud to lift and realize once again, “it’s not that bad.”

Less than a month ago my fiance’s mother passed away quite unexpectedly…but yes, I also am blessed enough to have a fiance.  He is the most awesome person I have ever met, and he seems to have patience with me more so than anyone.  And I can be a handful, I’ll admit  I act tough, but that’s always the tell of truly emotionally damaged softy.  Anyhow, the entire process of his mother’s passing was incredibly awful and painful.  Should it be easy and cool?  Of course not!!! But the situation was …fucked up, for a lack of better words.  It should have never happened, she was for the most part, perfectly healthy for a 63 year old physically disabled person.  Her death had nothing to do with any pre-existing illness, which is why hearing that she had severe brain hemorrhaging in two different areas after a fall, a fall in which they never checked her head was so damn infuriating.  Yes, I got to know my future mother-in-law, and how cool of a woman she was and why my fiance is the kook that he is, was amazingly lucky and a blessing for me.  However, it doesn’t take away the sadness and anger we both feel.  His being way more intense and uncomfortable as I can imagine it might be in this situation.  He text me yesterday, “I miss my mom, I want her back.”  What do you say to something like that?  There are no words for these situations.  Hallmark can pretend there are, but it’s just not so.  On a side note, I’ve never understood greeting cards in general.  I have friends that get tears in their eyes from cards and save them forever, I seem to just glance at them and move on thinking what a waste of $5.  Callous perhaps, but I just don’t seem to be the typical girl.  Sometimes that’s in my favor, other times it bites me in the ass.

Another part of my life, for the last 4 1/2 years, I have worked in retail.  Not a waitress, but in the “food industry” if you get my drift.  Just think of another profession where you serve people, perhaps at a counter in a quick transaction.  On a particular street that was once known to be very upscale, and in certain parts still is, but it is no longer what it once was.  Oh and in Los Angeles I should probably add.

I started this job for the medical insurance, and thought I’ll just stay here until I figure things out with my life.  I had been going to a state school, but dropped out after my anxiety was too much to deal with.  So now here I am still in retail, something I have done for my entire adult life.  Now wondering, hey haven’t figured anything out yet…anything at all.  I’ve learned a lot from people, but ultimately have made very little growth as a human.  My upbringing wasn’t too horrible, but also nothing great.  I have a very complicated family dynamic, no father and many a half sibling.  A latchkey kid, which apparently that word isn’t understood anymore.  A kid in an after school program or that goes directly home by themselves.  My story is long and sad, maybe not as sad as some, but for me as of lately…has really hurt.  And this is why I am here.  Will getting it out help the pain I feel and the desire I feel to numb that pain?  Maybe I won’t need to drink myself to sleep anymore or to calm down after a work day.

Basically, what I have learned is that I want to help people.  However I can in any area.  I am trying to figure out how to narrow down such a broad statement, feedback about that would be greatly appreciated.  Then just maybe I can “void” this void for good.